2 july 09 – missoula, montana
i shouldn’t be feeling this way.
wherever my mind has wandered since returning home…whatever has arisen from the depths of that constant internal dialogue in which we are all engaged (whether we realize it or not)…however i’m feeling – groggily awake in the middle of the night or the middle of the day, or trying to stay awake through the 2.5 hours of ‘transformers 2′ (yes, i feel asleep multiple times during it…THAT’S how tired i’ve been)…that deepest part of me that continues to sojourn through the days and nights always returns to the same fork in the road…
i shouldn’t be feeling this way.
and how am i feeling, you may ask?
i feel homesick…again.
i miss the smell of shawarma and spices rising in the air. i miss the chatter and clatter of vendors calling out to anyone who passes by, even grabbing the body parts of strangers in order to get their attention when ‘necessary’. i miss the peace and calm of the breeze caressing the surface of the sea of galilee at sunset.
i miss the chills that shot up my spine when i stopped to realize that i was looking at a view that Jesus had most likely memorized, or kneeling down to touch a stone upon which his body was laid and prepared for burial, or leaning into a wall that people have wailed into for centuries, changing its impenetrable shape with their sweat and tears, their curses and kisses, their sighs and cries.
i miss the times that took my breath away…like wandering into the little town of bethlehem, and seeing the church of the nativity venerated and violated, and the separation wall covered with graffiti describing both hatred and hope, and the international centre filled with creativity and community, awe-inspiring beauty and jaw-dropping reality, hard-won hope and hope-driven vision, tiny rays of light and tiny reflections of life…abundant life.
as i’ve been enthusiastically, warmly, lovingly welcomed back home, back to the place i have been called to live and serve and love, back to the people i know as dear friends and beloved family…i nonetheless find myself aching for that chill to return, sighing to lose my breath once again, longing for something that is still so new to me, and yet feels so familiar. in a way that’s hard to describe, i feel sick for a home i never knew i had, or at least for a place, a people, an experience that has touched some of the deepest parts of my truest self in ways i have never experienced before.
i feel ‘homesick’ for the ‘holy’ land.
and i shouldn’t be feeling this way.
but i DO.
i know that one of the things that those of us who are seeking to live a life of Spirit affirm is that our heart’s true ‘home’ isn’t a geographical location or a specific human community. rather, it is where the presence of Christ is…within us, among us, around us.
well, if this is true, then why am i missing a geographical location and an experience of human community so much? aren’t i truly at ‘home’ wherever i am because of the presence of the One who has given me life? shouldn’t i be satisfied with the revelation similar to the one that dorothy received in the emerald city, click the heels of my ‘ruby sandals’ three times, and know that ‘home’ is always just a song or heartbeat away?
could it be that what i’m missing isn’t so much the actual geographical location or the specific people that made up the human community of my sojourn or the exact experiences on that sojourn, but rather, what that geography and community and itinerary of experiences revealed to me, or the new space, the new vision, the new hope that they opened up within me?
and am i truly ‘missing’ that space, vision and hope, or am i struggling to discover how to allow it to shape my experience of everyday life here…to let the new space enlarge and widen my sense of space, the new vision sharpen and focus my sense of vision, the new hope broaden and deepen my sense of hope?
is this latest addition to the mosaic of my personal experiences simply another means for the Spirit to add to the mosaic of my personal perceptions of the world, my city, my neighborhood, my church community, my family, my calling, my faith, my truest self?
and as that mosaic becomes more multi-faceted and diverse, inexplicably fashioned and unimaginably beautiful, could it be simply the next means through which God is calling me - with an ever-opening mind and heart and spirit - to engage more deeply and personally with the Spirit and society, with the Presence and people, with the Just and with justice for all, with the Merciful and with mercy for all, with the Gracious and with grace for all, with the Love and with love for all?
isn’t it strange to return from the land in which our Lord lived and died and rose to life again, the birthplace of my faith and the hope for all the world, having more questions than answers?
well, seeing as that same Lord seems to answer our questions more often than not with other questions, it makes perfect sense.
i visit the geographic home of the One known as the Answer…and i return with more questions.
i am at home…and i feel homesick.
i shouldn’t be feeling this way…and i do.
i wrote this as an attempt to encapsulate my experience in israel-palestine, to process through all the experiences and emotions and thoughts and come to some conclusions, to appreciate the beautiful gift of this time and wrap up the package in a beautiful little bow.
i have not succeeded.
but maybe the point isn’t to draw conclusions, but to be drawn into new questions…to let my natural inquisitiveness be stirred by this sojourn into new, uncharted territories of my mind, heart and spirit.
perhaps the idea is not to process the experience, but to allow the experience to process me…molding my mind and shaping my spirit into a way of living that more clearly reflects the image of the infinitely imaginative, unconditionally accepting, freely forgiving, and passionately loving One.
maybe the end of this leg of the journey is actually the beginning of the next one.
and perhaps the home that i am sick for can only be recognized in my homesickness for it.
so i take the next step on the journey…and the next…and the next…stumbling more than skipping, clicking my heels together from time to time, discovering smiles in the midst of tears, and laughter in the throes of longing.
i shouldn’t be feeling this way…and i do.
thanks for sojourning with me.
salaam shalom of Christ to you all,
brian
*listening to ‘Wilco (the album)’…which is INCREDIBLE 