the lenten season is a time for internal contemplation in the presence of God’s Spirit, which in turn is meant to lead to new revelations and insights about our truest selves, which in turn is meant to become a means for transformation. and i came upon my first personal revelation yesterday.
i am not a runner.
last summer, i was powerfully inspired by the Missoula Marathon…the runners in their 70′s and even 80′s, those who participated as a means to raise awareness and funds for important causes, my two friends (Jo and Carrie) who qualified for the Boston Marathon. i thought to myself, ‘well, if they can do it, why can’t i?’
the Chariots of Fire theme started pumping in my head, and i had a vision of running the half-marathon (a realistic vision, i thought) and doing it with others as a way to raise support for what i’m calling ‘the 316 Connection’ (Missoula 316, a local program that serves the homeless here in a variety of ways, and Nakuru 316, a similar program in Nakuru, Kenya, focused on the young women and children who live in the Black Base dump area in the city). i (foolishly) shared this vision with my whole congregation, mostly so that i couldn’t back out of it, but also so that they would be aware of the opportunity and perhaps want to join in. many people were very excited about this and expressed their desire to support it in one way or another. my excitement grew.
there was only one drawback.
i had to start running.
and…i am not a runner.
i figured this was ok because i have lots of friends who are runners. they could help me through whatever roadblocks appeared along the way of my transformation from the Pillsbury Doughboy to Steve Prefontaine. i re-upped my membership to the Y (because ‘running’ and ‘ice’ are two words i should never even consider in a sentence together, given my lack of balance. oops, i just put them in a sentence together. and i just tripped and fell. oh well). i even got a new pair of running shoes (since my old ones had holes in the sides large enough to start conversing with one another as i ran).
so…i start to run.
the advice i was given initially was to run and walk at comfortable intervals for 30 minutes 4 times a week. that morphed into running a short, manageable, continuous distance every day (or at least 5 times a week). i was running exclusively on the treadmill, making progress, and beginning to think i was becoming an actual ‘runner’ (i was sweating like one, aching afterwards like one, even starting to experience ‘runners’ high’ like one).
then, one day when the weather cooperated, i went outside.
BIG mistake.
i was running 2, even 2.5 miles continuously on the treadmill. i couldn’t make it more than 5 blocks at a time in the real world.
WHY?
i learned that treadmill running is like ‘simulated’ running. it gives you the impression that you can run long distances at a stretch much in the same way that playing ‘Rock Band’ gives you the impression that you can actually play a musical instrument.
there are unnatural advantages to running on a treadmill…like the fact that the ‘ground’ MOVES under your feet and helps your legs keep going, whether they want to or not. the ground doesn’t move under my feet in my neighborhood (at least not in ways that propel me forward). the surface upon which you run is also much more forgiving on your feet and legs than asphalt. i can also distract myself from the task at hand by listening to my iPod or watching ESPN (or, depending on which treadmill i end up on, some other meaningless program like QVC or FOX news…but i digress).
but in the back of my mind, i knew i couldn’t run the half-marathon on the treadmill. so i took my rubbery legs and flabby gut out onto the street.
and i jogged.
and i slogged.
and i eventually got up to 1 mile, then 1.2, then 1.5, then 2.1, then 2.4, then…3 blocks.
and as i walked along huffing and puffing, wondering where my new-found endurance had gone, the revelation came.
i am NOT a runner.
but then i remembered something. when i was running on the treadmill, i was listening to my music and getting all pumped up and adrenaline-ized. i had the ‘eye of the tiger’ and was considering starting my days off drinking raw eggs. my focus was on how much farther i could go on the next run and how long it would take me to get to the place where i could run 13.1 miles continuously.
but i had also lost something in the process.
i was no longer thinking about why i was running. i had forgotten the original source of inspiration that was leading to my perspiration. i became out of touch with my body, my breath, my spirit, my senses…and the One who had created me, the Spirit that literally in-spired me each moment of each run and each day.
out in the ‘real world’, i was having a much harder time running longer distances. but i was recognizing the gift of each beat of my heart, each step of my feet, each thrust of my legs, each breath that i took (however laboured they may have been). and with each breath, i found myself returning to a simple contemplative practice (which you could call prayer)…inhaling ‘thank’, and exhaling ‘You’.
i was no longer simply jogging. i was journeying.
after the painful 3 blocks yesterday, i gathered my frayed wits and my frail limbs and decided to try and run a mile loop through my neighborhood. and with each step and each breath, i journeyed… ‘thank’… ‘You’… ‘thank’… ‘You’.
i made it through the mile and walked the two blocks back home, where i collapsed into my favourite chair with my heart pounding a rhythm so fast that Buddy Rich would have been hard pressed to keep up. i was dizzy. i bones ached. and yet, my breath continued… ’thank’… ‘You’… ‘thank’… ‘You’.
i was no longer running.
but i was still journeying.
and i guess that’s what we’re invited to enter into in this season. to recognize our gifts and our limitations, the ways that we are broken and the ways that we are blessed. to discover who we aren’t in order to more fully embrace who we ARE.
i am not a runner.
but i am a sojourner.
and in the journey of life and faith, i’m realizing that perhaps it’s the journey that is ultimately more meaningful and revelatory and transformative than simply arriving at the destination.
and perhaps this realization, in and of itself, is ultimately one of the things that matters most.
see you on the pathway…