‘So whenever you give, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be praised by others. Truly, I tell you, they have received their full reward.’
– Jesus (in Matthew 6.2).
blogging is a strange thing.
you take time to reflect deeply upon the world and your life in it, and what’s going on in the deepest places within you, and then (as frederick buechner says), you open up a vein and start writing. the honesty and candor that is usually reserved for a diary or journal is made available to the whole world (at least the part of the world that has internet access and reads blogs). and as soon as you write it and press the ‘publish’ button, you let go of it and let it do whatever it might do, floating out in the nebulous existence called the ‘blogosphere’.
in other words, you’re writing words meant most for yourself, sending them off into the universe like a carrier pigeon.
the difference is that, unlike a carrier pigeon, who you know will eventually return, you have no idea of anyone is reading any of it because you basically don’t get any feedback in return.
and that is a very freeing experience.
it is similar to an experience i had many years ago, when i was given the opportunity to write some songs for a christian camp in southern California. i lived 3000 miles away in New Jersey, so i wrote the songs, made a cheap recording of them, and sent them away, never to hear them again (but knowing that a whole bunch of middle schoolers would be singing them over the course of the summer).
a very freeing experience.
this is precisely why i chose to blog as one of my lenten disciplines. it has given me a reason to be more regularly intentional not only in looking deeply at my life, sorting through the fragments for glimpses of grace, but also to express what i find in writing, a gift that i have been given that i have become very lax in using. and then to let it go.
there’s only one problem with this plan.
i have a hard time letting go.
when i put something like this out to the world, i want to know if anyone else is reading it, and if so, what they might think of it. instead of setting the writing free to do what it will do (if anything), i start wondering if anyone is reading it, and if so, how many and why and what (if anything) they might be getting out of it.
and why do i do this?
because down deep inside, i feel that if no one is reading this and no one is being touched by it, then i think that what i have to say is pointless and meaningless, and so, i have no right to be writing it and putting it out there in the first place. and therefore, i myself am pointless and meaningless.
so, i look for feedback as signs of recognition, to let me know that i still have a place at the great table, that i still have a purpose in this life and a value to this world.
which is precisely the reason NOT to write a blog. at least not the reason i intended to write mine.
which becomes a very stifling experience.
the recognition that comes from this is not the kind i’m seeking in getting feedback from the blog. rather, it is the recognition of what is happening within myself…
…which leads to reflection upon the state of my soul and my fragile sense of self…
…which leads to remembrance of the One who made my deepest, truest self, the One who calls me beloved, who loves me with an everlasting love that is the core and foundation of my sense of my deepest and truest self, and who doesn’t need me to do a damned or blessed thing to prove it, to myself or anyone else…
…which leads to repentance, literally flipping a 180 away from all that leads to a distorted perception and experience of my self, others and God, and turning towards that Source of true wisdom and clear vision of who i am and what i am doing here on earth.
a turning away from dependence on the recognition of others to refill my tank of self-worth, and a turning towards the eternal Wellspring of Living Water, the River that constantly flows with life and love, and allowing it to wash over me and through me with everlasting refreshment.
a letting go of what is not real to embrace what (and who) is truly Real.
there is only one problem with this plan.
i have a hard time letting go.
but here goes.
i hope no one reads this blog today.
and i hope that one person reads it and walks away with something worthwhile.
that person is me.
now…THAT is a freeing experience.